On this "online journal," I generally talk about all the brilliant and amazing qualities of my children's personalities and the happy and exciting things we are doing day to day. Little, if ever, do I point out my thoughts or feelings about the negative sides of parenting or the difficulties I am having. I know that seems unrealistic but I can honestly say I don't have a lot to complain. Of course, I want to be 20 pounds thinner (now more like 40), have a home worthy of a design magazine, have a husband who brings me fresh flowers every week, travel all over the world and get a weekly massage. But those things aren't going to happen (or at least in the near future) so I have deciding complaining about them is futile.
I have been hesitate to post about this because I was hoping it wasn't really happening. Bottom line, I have felt defeated as a parent. To better explain it, it might be easier to copy the note, I wrote yesterday on a mom list serv.
Hey All,
Need some advice. I really was hoping to skip this stage with my daughter but looks like it has reared its ugly head. My 22 month old daughter has recently started exhibiting negative behavior towards other kids, mainly in the form of pushing, pulling hair, and scratching. Today, the behavior came to a head when she scratched her friend's face and drew blood. I was of course horrified (and humiliated) and think that the mom I was with was also horrified (of course compounding my worries). Anyways, I had my second baby eight weeks ago. In addition, my husband has been traveling quite a bit recently (he has been out of town three of the last four weeks). I am also a stay at home mom and don't have child care during the day. I am thinking that this is the perfect storm for this type of thing or do I just have a child with a higher propensity for this type of behavior? I have tried talking with my daughter before friends come over/we visit with friends that we will NOT push, pull hair, etc.. but that doesn't seem to make a difference. I also pull her aside and talk to her about it after the fact and make her apologize to recipient of her physical behavior, also doesn't seem to make a difference. Anyone have any experience or advice for this type of thing? Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
Best, Alison (Mom to Mae, 23 months and Whitaker, 2 months)
I have many mixed feelings about what has been going on. Part of me feels that I have failed as a parent or at a minimum at this stage of parenting. I know this is totally irrational thinking but when Mae all of sudden pushes a random kid on the playground, I wonder what I did wrong. Did I not prepare Mae enough for the arrival of Whitaker? Have I not given Mae enough attention since Whitaker? Did I give Mae too much attention before Whitaker? And it goes on and on.
After my post I recieved many wonderful responses. All of them normalized what we were going through and helped me remember that I am a decent mom. Two comments that stuck the most with me, "So hard...and it feels like a total referendum on your parenting, but itisn't. And it is absolutely developmentally appropriate (albeit veryunwanted) bahavior." And "The most important thing is that 2 y.o.s are not rational, that we do our worst parenting when people are looking and we feel embarrassed, and she'll grow out of it."
If you wonder how we are handling this Pearson and I have come up with a multi-pronged approach. First, trying to carve out some Mae and I time each day and if not each day then special time each week. Second, trying to praise her for her positive behavior. I realized over the last month I only give her a lot of attention when she is doing something wrong. Third, removing her from the situation and calmly but firmly telling her that we do not push/scratch/pull hair. Fourth, making sure that while playing with other kids we are involved in the play (or at least for now). I can only hope all of these things help to nip it in the butt. Otherwise, I might be rethinking the decent parent.
I will let you know how things go.
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